Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Getting from Here to There

In the past month, aside from starting a new year I've turned 50. I have also decided to get a divorce.
First with the best...I'm happy to be 50, I actually feel quite lucky to have the privilege. The divorce on the other hand, is hard to write about.  My marriage is not quite 7 years old and I have finally given up. I moved into the guestroom just after my birthday. Unfortunately we have a lease on the house until July 1st. 

The year began with more of what I've dealt with for years; bad moods, slurred conversations over dinner and words said he can't take back. I am embarrassed. I married an alcoholic and I should have known better, I have an education in addiction. One would think I knew better.  The most shameful part of my marriage has been the physical abuse; I tread carefully as I walk in the door at night, I never know what will be there to greet me on the other side.

Sometimes endings come quickly and without notice, some catastrophic event happens and your life is changed. With marriages most often the ending is experienced with such slowness it steals little pieces of you in the process. Bit by bit, day by day, gone. This is the case of life in an unhappy marriage with an addict. I call them my "lost days". Days when life with this person is so awful you wish the day had never happened. Days you can't get back, you don't even want to remember.
For me it took turning 50 and thinking about people I have loved and lost like Andy, how he would have loved to celebrate this milestone birthday and didn't have the chance. I am here and I can't afford to waste any more of my days.

I feel both self loathing and great sadness. I also feel anger. I did not know how to the change or stop the course my life has been on sooner.  I compare it to a fast moving ride at Disneyland, you get in your seat, the bar comes down and holds you in, the ride starts slowly, then faster, you want to get off, but you can't. You are on this ride till the end.


megan said...

I look everyday for your blog.Here it is! It took a night with no tv to do it I am sure!

In my opinion, this blog is a happy one, of new beginings, starting over, self realization and reflection...what would anything be in life if we didn't learn from it.
Love you!

atoetapper2 said...

I am so glad to see you adding to your blog. You and I are a lot alike and besides being nice people, we have made a few mistakes in life. Finally at age 70, I look back and think of the foolish things I have done, but corrected. I guess the hearty stock on my mothers side has been with me. In looking up my ancestors, I find many living until their late 80's. You have accomplished so much so far in the raising of your two boys, your education, your jobs and now it's time for you to find true happiness. Your family loves you very much and will always be here for you.