Sunday, April 13, 2008

Middle Aged Woman Seeking New Life

Ending a marriage is a process. I'm still in it in that we live in the same house, though we have separate bedrooms. We live as roommates and communicate with each other politely and without emotion (most of the time). I did not want to be divorced again. I am having a hard time imagining myself alone the rest of my life, I can't.

Where am I? I am in the space between the old and the new. Seeking a new career and planning a relocation within the next couple of months back to the San Francisco Bay Area. I am struggling with the move because I will be leaving my sons behind here in San Diego. I cry every single day, multiple times a day about this. My son's will soon be 27 and 25, it is the thought that I can't just get in the car and drive to their home to see them that bothers me. That if there were an emergency, I am not close by. I know that for my well being I need to go home. Home is where my sisters are, my parents, my old roots. Even perhaps (if I can have a second chance), a few of my old friends. I am having a hard time imagining not having my own place to live and selling so much of my "stuff". I know that in the end, it is the right decision.

"Bad day looking for a way home looking for the great escape
gets in his car and drives away far from all the things that we are
Puts on a smile and breathes it in and breaths it out; he says
bye, bye, bye to all of the noise
oh he says bye, bye, bye to all of the noise
hey child, things are looking down
that's OK, you don't need to win anyways
don't be afraid, just eat up all the gray
and it will fade all away
don't let yourself fall down
Bad day, looking for the great escape
he says, bad day, looking for the great escape
on a bad day, looking for the great escape, great escape"

Lyrics from the song "The Great Escape" by Patrick Watson


memail said...

Yes, you are making the right decision. Most definitely. I almost think its more common than it isn't for people to sometimes have to get a clean slate, and start all over...I did it (when I moved here although I was young), Sean did it, Mom did it (twice) and Dad did it too... and it turned out well in all cases!

PS I am subscribed to Adam's Blog so I can tell you when he has new ones. ;)

adancer2 said...

It's Monday night & I am sitting home here thinking of something I could say to my first born daughter. Something that will make her feel a little better, as she deserves so much more. You havent had the life you have always intended it to be for sure. But as you said you raised your boys to be fine young men with a lot going for them. I am proud of their accomplishments and I know without a doubt that their father would be proud also. I often think of their grandparents on their fathers side and what they have missed out on, by their own choice, just as their own son predicted it would be. How sad! I wouldn't be concerned over the fact that you're on your third marriage and it is not working out. The point is you did a great job raising those boys, seeing to it that they got their education & now it's your time to be happy. I know that when someone gets married it is supposed to be forever, but people change and times change. It's really no different now than it was years ago. When I look at the family tree going way back, I find it interesting, how many times some of our ancestors were married. Divorce is not a new thing, the point is it takes two people to be deeply in love and working at any relationship for it to work. We are looking forward to your move back to Northern California. We can all be together as we usually are for holidays by going down south to visit the boys or they can come here. Who knows where their lives will take them with their own careers. It all reality we can be happy that they are close enought that we can drive down in a few hours. They are going to do just fine, it's time for Mom to think of herself and her life, and yes, start over. I love you Kelly and always want the best for you.